Monday, July 30, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Are ancient ocean beasts, dead for thousands of years, manipulating the financial market with the malevolent goal of plunging us into a "second dark age?"
- Do you feel "more stupid" after you moisturize? (0 - 9)
- When was the last time you gave someone an "above average" kiss? (0 - 9)
- Evaluate: "My lotion contains things I don't understand." (0 - 9)
- If you live above the second floor, do you hear a thumping? (0 - 9)
- Do you notice that you clear your throat when you don't really need to? (0 - 9)
What Can I Do?
- Let your grocer know that lotion is confusing to you, and that you rarely have sex.
- Photograph any dry patches of skin and share these with your local law enforcement. The police keep a master list of lotions which cause the most distress.
- Write a short, catchy song to remind yourself about lotions which are damaging or ineffective.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
There are computer models which predict that if the next Bloop happens near a heavily populated area, all the traffic lights and ATMs within a five mile radius could malfunction.
Are you and your family ready?
Further Reading: BloopWatch.org
Sunday, July 15, 2012
FACT: Teens spend an average of $7,000 (about 45,000 yuan) on imported love dolls by the time they reach legal driving age.
FACT: Teens form "import clubs," to gain volume discounts from the governments of China, Japan, and Portugal. Disguised as academic clubs or sports training, import clubs are responsible for 68% of the distribution of love dolls to teens in America.
FACT: Studies show that if a teen does not have access to an opposite-sex love doll they will choose a same-sex doll out of desperation.
FACT: Love dolls can and do spread STDs. Many love dolls use suggestive facial expressions and hypnotic plastic fumes to lure multiple teen sex partners.
FACT: Many popular figurines sold as "toys" in America can be considered the gateway to love doll dependency. They train our youth to accept and admire the physical attributes of the love doll.
What can I do?
- Be suspicious of other parents. Do they seem to try to get your children "involved" a lot. They might be recruiting new members for their import club.
- Be suspicious of your teen. Have you jokingly remarked about the way they sometimes "act as though they're trying to hide a corpse?" They may in fact be hiding love dolls.
- Set a verbal trap. Mention that you're "cool with love dolls" to your teen's friends. Do they react as if this is natural?
- Schedule check-ins with your teen during times they commonly masturbate. Open the door abruptly and listen for the sound of small motors.
- Speak frankly to your teen about love dolls. Explain the reasons love dolls are dangerous.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
All knives are dangerous -- sharp or blunt, large or small. Every type of knife represents a uniquely compact, efficient potential for serious injury. While the large, menacing knives brandished by movie characters are scary to behold, it's the simple plastic picnic knife which was used to perpetrate a series of recent helecopter hijackings over international waters off the coast of France.
Criminals have begun to employ kitchen and disposable utensils, which they call "Skeet Bloons," as a means of side-stepping heightened security.
These unassuming plastic implements, along with sharp-tipped toothpicks are concealed inside to-go food boxes, and smuggled onto the aircraft, but the only hunger being satisfied is the hunger violence. Even certain paper products, like rigid cardboard napkin rings, can be repurposed as weapons. A paper cut may not look serious, but to a victim with diabetes, it is a death sentence.
There have also been more audacious attacks.
Burdette Tortuga's famous assault on Richard Branson was carried out with nothing more than an electric turkey knife, a discreet nylon cape fashioned to match the color and pattern of the aircraft carpeting, and slippers made from a combination of wax and human hair.
Mr. Branson might be dead today if that knife had not pulled loose from the electrical outlet during his struggle.
What Can I Do?
In an age when security personel are stretched thin, and must process large numbers of travelers every day, we can no longer rely on others to look out for us. We must take control of our own safety.
- If you see something, say something. Be on the lookout for passengers who might be trying to sneak food or beverages onto the aircraft. These items may conceal plastic blades, sharp implements, dangerous kitchen tools, or rudimentary bombs fashioned from soda bottles and coffee cups.
- Remain alert. Do not doze, read magazines, or watch a movie during your flight. Possible perpetrators around you can use your "down time" to set their plans into motion. It only takes one sleeping person to miss the vital warning that could have otherwise saved hundreds of lives.
- Don't just watch -- also listen. Are passengers around you speaking a foreign language? Non-English speakers often use these secret languages to communicate the details of an attack.
- Don't use the bathroom. There is a possibility that you will be the only vigilant passenger on board the aircraft. If an attacker senses this, they may blockade the door from the outside.
Airports increasingly rely on vigilant passengers who are not afraid to get physical with potential attackers. When the time comes, will you be ready?
Friday, July 13, 2012
- Owl sperm must remain refrigerated.
- Do not combine owl sperm with other emollients.
- Make sure the source of your owl sperm is reputable. Do they have an up-to-date NORFA license? Do they speak English?
- What are the conditions of the captive owl? Are the owls kept in small boxes for many days, under constant stimulation, with little sleep? Do not be afraid to ask questions.
- Do not accept dated or second-hand product.
Q: My doctor told me to avoid reptiles while pregnant. Is this due to something contagious about the reptile?
A: Yes, but there are other things to consider as well.
- Reptiles once roamed the Earth and preyed upon weaker animals, including humans.
- Reptiles can move very quickly. Some of them are able to spray victims with poison or sticky paralytic saliva.
- Native Americans considered the reptile a messenger from the afterlife, because looking at one meant you were possibly already dead.
- Some reptiles have no legs and are able to digest human babies.
- It is predicted that as the health of our planet declines, and humans become more feeble and illness-prone, reptiles may rise again to take advantage of our vulnerability.
- Without wanting to worry you, your doctor may have become aware that a komodo dragon is following you.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
- Don't lift with your back.
- Always be aware of dangerous items falling from above.
- Avoid the table saw.
- Avoid the toxic material spill.
Print this image out so you can review it while driving.
In 2004, over 90% of gas station shootings ended in death.
Even in the event that you survive such an attack, you may be implicated in the crime, simply for having been present at the time.
Follow these safety tips to minimize your risks, before entering a gas station.
- Pull up to the side of the gas station, out of view of any large windows, and leave your car in 'idle.'
- Idle your car close enough to the corner of the building so that you can observe if any prior customers are able to exit unharmed.
- If customers are exiting the building, monitor them. Stay attuned to their emotional state, as well as their physical state.
- Signal with your hands to other drivers in the parking lot to let them know that you are currently on Self-Monitored Entry Alert. Other drivers should not enter the store until you have completed your analysis.
- Listen carefully. Are there loud noises coming from inside the building? This may be a sign of gunfire or another type of explosive impalement.
- Observe for structural breaches in the building. This might signal that explosives have been used, or that a fire has been set as a method of distraction.
- Pay first -- pump later. Ensure that you are entering the building at a period of lowered risk. Afterward, the period you spend pumping your gas is a time of increased risk due to your visibility and the potential for new situations to arrise inside. You will want to remain alert as you pump.
- Do not use a credit card or debit card to pay for your fuel. If the gas station attendant has been killed, and the attacker is posing as the checkout clerk, the information available on your bank cards will allow them to pursue you at a later date.
- Do not eat pickles directly from the jar. Pickles may be contaminated with a type of deadly bacteria (mortiferum periculosum) that becomes less dangerous when the pickle is exposed to oxygen.
- Oxygen exposure period of a pickle is best carried out with the aid of a flat, sterile, non-porous platter, where alien substances may be easily identified.
- Napoleon was poisoned in exile, via a series of contaminated pickles. These pickles remained intact even as Napoleon's body decomposed. Over time they hardened, and became a part of the Earth's mantle.
Q: What is the best way to accept a compliment?
A: Accept a compliment quickly and directly, while maintaining eye-contact. Have a response prepared ahead of time which indicates, without seeming boastful, that you believe the compliment is true.
- "Yes! Thank you for the compliment. Ha ha!"
- "Yes! Any time you need a leader. Ha ha!"
- "Yes! Time is the faceless goddess. Ha ha!"
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Motion-aware elf statues pose the greatest danger. Their invisible laser-sites target our movement and spring into action when we draw near. If you place one of these totems at the top a staircase or other precipice, there is a chilling risk that visitors may tumble to a grisly demise when surprised.
Larger statues can feature very powerful motors. If the corner of a garment becomes ensnared, seemingly trivial animatronic arm movement can be forceful enough to heave unfortunate guests through windows, or into the path of dancing blades.
Using projectile weapons, blunt objects or even flame to confront the threat of elf statues only heightens potential risk because elf statues are programmed to defend themselves. They can contain corrosive compressed acids and other toxic agents which could spell the E. N. D.
Many researchers agree that the best defense against elf statues is total motionlessness."