Monday, July 30, 2012

A Sordid History of Homosexuality in Games

When I say "video games" you're probably already picturing a couple of sweat-drenched young men, clothing shredded, sore bulging muscles aching with forbidden desire -- the kind of desire that can only truly be satisfied by rough, masculine hands, probing bro-kisses, and a lifetime of pent up homosexual love rage.

Unfortunately, you are not alone in that association. In a recent study, the Mann & Rammer Institute discovered that more than 83% of Americans think of homosexual themes when asked a series of neutral questions describing two deeply manly game heroes in situations wherein they must learn to trust and rely on each other even though they are naked, potently aroused, and covered in lubricant.

The study concludes that video games, with their frequent coy innuendos, and teasing side glances, are on a collision course with America that can only result in the total sexual conquest of a morally bankrupt generation.

Institute founder, Dick Rammer expounds, "We see this trend starting as early as Space Invaders and Pac-Man. These are titles that, at the very core, bathe the screen with something troublingly homoerotic."

It's not a coincidence that the original code for Q*Bert was discovered hand-written on the wall of an infamous Milwaukee truck stop lavatory. "In order to finish transcribing the code, you would have needed to literally press your face to the glory hole," says Rammer. And there's other more overt evidence that Q*Bert was coded while administering a blowjob.

"What rhymes with Pong," Rammer asks, pointing to his thong. But before we can answer, he is whisked into the sky on a giant glittering pink teacup.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Could Prehistoric Ocean Beasts Be Destabilizing the World's Economy?

Are ancient ocean beasts,  dead for thousands of years, manipulating the financial market with the malevolent goal of plunging us into a "second dark age?"


Is This Dangerous Lotion Ending Your Will To Live?

These Nine Popular Lotion Brands, which are already in your bathroom, are permanently altering your brain chemistry and destroying your love life.

Select the number (0 - 9, 0 being "almost never" and 9 being "when it happens") which corresponds to your feeling about the question, after you have answered it in your mind.
  1. Do you feel "more stupid" after you moisturize? (0 - 9)
  2. When was the last time you gave someone an "above average" kiss? (0 - 9)
  3. Evaluate: "My lotion contains things I don't understand." (0 - 9)
  4. If you live above the second floor, do you hear a thumping? (0 - 9)
  5. Do you notice that you clear your throat when you don't really need to? (0 - 9)
If you scored a number between 11 and 16,  lotion may be destroying your life.

What Can I Do?

  • Let your grocer know that lotion is confusing to you, and that you rarely have sex.
  • Photograph any dry patches of skin and share these with your local law enforcement. The police keep a master list of lotions which cause the most distress.
  • Write a short, catchy song to remind yourself about lotions which are damaging or ineffective.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Top 5 Threats to Safety in America

Unprovoked, Snakes Rise Up

This Hole

Without God, Our Children Age Backwards

We Can No Longer Control Our Environment

Nature's Relentless Dance Toward Homosexuality

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Earth's Next Bloop

In 1997, the NOAA's deep-sea microphone recorded the loudest noise it has ever captured under water. Though similar to the sound of a whale, "The Bloop" is orders of magnitude louder, leading researchers to consider the possibility that an unknown, impossibly large animal may inhabit the uncharted expanse of our ocean, silently waiting for over two decades.

One thing is certain: The Earth is due for another Bloop.

There are computer models which predict that if the next Bloop happens near a heavily populated area, all the traffic lights and ATMs within a five mile radius could malfunction.

Marissa Frye from the Ocean Is the Killer Private Fund paints a darker picture, estimating that the next Bloop, which Scientists are calling "The Über Bloop," is set to wipe out modern civilization, and indeed most life. "This is probably the end of us," she laughs, "but what can you do?"

Are you and your family ready?

Further Reading:

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Teens are Hooked on Love Dolls

FACT: Teens spend an average of $7,000 (about 45,000 yuan) on imported love dolls by the time they reach legal driving age.

FACT: Teens form "import clubs," to gain volume discounts from the governments of China, Japan, and Portugal. Disguised as academic clubs or sports training, import clubs are responsible for 68% of the distribution of love dolls to teens in America.

FACT: Studies show that if a teen does not have access to an opposite-sex love doll they will choose a same-sex doll out of desperation.

FACT: Love dolls can and do spread STDs. Many love dolls use suggestive facial expressions and hypnotic plastic fumes to lure multiple teen sex partners.

FACT: Many popular figurines sold as "toys" in America can be considered the gateway to love doll dependency. They train our youth to accept and admire the physical attributes of the love doll.

What can I do?

  1. Be suspicious of other parents. Do they seem to try to get your children "involved" a lot. They might be recruiting new members for their import club.
  2. Be suspicious of your teen. Have you jokingly remarked about the way they sometimes "act as though they're trying to hide a corpse?" They may in fact be hiding love dolls.
  3. Set a verbal trap. Mention that you're "cool with love dolls" to your teen's friends. Do they react as if this is natural?
  4. Schedule check-ins with your teen during times they commonly masturbate. Open the door abruptly and listen for the sound of small motors.
  5. Speak frankly to your teen about love dolls. Explain the reasons love dolls are dangerous.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

The Terrorist World of Picnic Knives

All knives are dangerous -- sharp or blunt, large or small. Every type of knife represents a uniquely compact, efficient potential for serious injury. While the large, menacing knives brandished by movie characters are scary to behold, it's the simple plastic picnic knife which was used to perpetrate a series of recent helecopter hijackings over international waters off the coast of France.

Criminals have begun to employ kitchen and disposable utensils, which they call "Skeet Bloons," as a means of side-stepping heightened security.

These unassuming plastic implements, along with sharp-tipped toothpicks are concealed inside to-go food boxes, and smuggled onto the aircraft, but the only hunger being satisfied is the hunger violence. Even certain paper products, like rigid cardboard napkin rings, can be repurposed as weapons. A paper cut may not look serious, but to a victim with diabetes, it is a death sentence.

There have also been more audacious attacks.

Burdette Tortuga's famous assault on Richard Branson was carried out with nothing more than an electric turkey knife, a discreet nylon cape fashioned to match the color and pattern of the aircraft carpeting, and slippers made from a combination of wax and human hair.

Mr. Branson might be dead today if that knife had not pulled loose from the electrical outlet during his struggle.

What Can I Do?

In an age when security personel are stretched thin, and must process large numbers of travelers every day, we can no longer rely on others to look out for us. We must take control of our own safety.

  1. If you see something, say something. Be on the lookout for passengers who might be trying to sneak food or beverages onto the aircraft. These items may conceal plastic blades, sharp implements, dangerous kitchen tools, or rudimentary bombs fashioned from soda bottles and coffee cups.
  2. Remain alert. Do not doze, read magazines, or watch a movie during your flight. Possible perpetrators around you can use your "down time" to set their plans into motion. It only takes one sleeping person to miss the vital warning that could have otherwise saved hundreds of lives.
  3. Don't just watch -- also listen. Are passengers around you speaking a foreign language? Non-English speakers often use these secret languages to communicate the details of an attack.
  4. Don't use the bathroom. There is a possibility that you will be the only vigilant passenger on board the aircraft. If an attacker senses this, they may blockade the door from the outside.

Airports increasingly rely on vigilant passengers who are not afraid to get physical with potential attackers. When the time comes, will you be ready?

Friday, July 13, 2012

Youth-Enhancing Owl Sperm

Youthful Owl Sperm
  • Owl sperm must remain refrigerated.
  • Do not combine owl sperm with other emollients.
  • Make sure the source of your owl sperm is reputable. Do they have an up-to-date NORFA license? Do they speak English?
  • What are the conditions of the captive owl? Are the owls kept in small boxes for many days, under constant stimulation, with little sleep? Do not be afraid to ask questions.
  • Do not accept dated or second-hand product.

Avoiding Reptiles

Komodo Dragon

Q: My doctor told me to avoid reptiles while pregnant. Is this due to something contagious about the reptile?

A: Yes, but there are other things to consider as well.

  1. Reptiles once roamed the Earth and preyed upon weaker animals, including humans.
  2. Reptiles can move very quickly. Some of them are able to spray victims with poison or sticky paralytic saliva.
  3. Native Americans considered the reptile a messenger from the afterlife, because looking at one meant you were possibly already dead.
  4. Some reptiles have no legs and are able to digest human babies.
  5. It is predicted that as the health of our planet declines, and humans become more feeble and illness-prone, reptiles may rise again to take advantage of our vulnerability.
  6. Without wanting to worry you, your doctor may have become aware that a komodo dragon is following you.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The "Big Four"

  1. Don't lift with your back.
  2. Always be aware of dangerous items falling from above.
  3. Avoid the table saw.
  4. Avoid the toxic material spill.

Print this image out so you can review it while driving.

Entering a Convenience Store or Gas Station

Entering a convenience store or gas station is risky at best. You may be entering a robbery-in-progress. Immediately upon arrival, you may startle the gunman, making you the Most Likely Person To Be Shot ("MLPTBS").

In 2004, over 90% of gas station shootings ended in death.

Even in the event that you survive such an attack, you may be implicated in the crime, simply for having been present at the time.

Follow these safety tips to minimize your risks, before entering a gas station.
  1. Pull up to the side of the gas station, out of view of any large windows, and leave your car in 'idle.'
  2. Idle your car close enough to the corner of the building so that you can observe if any prior customers are able to exit unharmed.
  3. If customers are exiting the building, monitor them. Stay attuned to their emotional state, as well as their physical state.
  4. Signal with your hands to other drivers in the parking lot to let them know that you are currently on Self-Monitored Entry Alert. Other drivers should not enter the store until you have completed your analysis.
  5. Listen carefully. Are there loud noises coming from inside the building? This may be a sign of gunfire or another type of explosive impalement.
  6. Observe for structural breaches in the building. This might signal that explosives have been used, or that a fire has been set as a method of distraction.
  7. Pay first -- pump later. Ensure that you are entering the building at a period of lowered risk. Afterward, the period you spend pumping your gas is a time of increased risk due to your visibility and the potential for new situations to arrise inside. You will want to remain alert as you pump.
  8. Do not use a credit card or debit card to pay for your fuel. If the gas station attendant has been killed, and the attacker is posing as the checkout clerk, the information available on your bank cards will allow them to pursue you at a later date.


  1. Do not eat pickles directly from the jar. Pickles may be contaminated with a type of deadly bacteria (mortiferum periculosum) that becomes less dangerous when the pickle is exposed to oxygen.
  2. Oxygen exposure period of a pickle is best carried out with the aid of a flat, sterile, non-porous platter, where alien substances may be easily identified.
  3. Napoleon was poisoned in exile, via a series of contaminated pickles. These pickles remained intact even as Napoleon's body decomposed. Over time they hardened, and became a part of the Earth's mantle.

Accepting Compliments

Q: What is the best way to accept a compliment?

A: Accept a compliment quickly and directly, while maintaining eye-contact. Have a response prepared ahead of time which indicates, without seeming boastful, that you believe the compliment is true.

Try practicing some of these phrases:
  • "Yes! Thank you for the compliment. Ha ha!"
  • "Yes! Any time you need a leader. Ha ha!"
  • "Yes! Time is the faceless goddess. Ha ha!"
In a news story that was later retracted, the Tehran Times reported that Iran and Iraq complimented each other after the fall of Sadam Heussein. Can you imagine what the compliments might have been? What are some of the best compliments you can think of, for a similar situation? Be prepared.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Excerpt: Safety Around Elf Statues

"The holidays bring a lot of good feelings and togetherness, but they also bring motorized elf statues. Well-meaning friends give us animatronic elf statues as symbols of festivity and affection. But once activated, these mechanical trinkets can become relentless automated death machines.

Motion-aware elf statues pose the greatest danger. Their invisible laser-sites target our movement and spring into action when we draw near. If you place one of these totems at the top a staircase or other precipice, there is a chilling risk that visitors may tumble to a grisly demise when surprised.

Larger statues can feature very powerful motors. If the corner of a garment becomes ensnared, seemingly trivial animatronic arm movement can be forceful enough to heave unfortunate guests through windows, or into the path of dancing blades.

Using projectile weapons, blunt objects or even flame to confront the threat of elf statues only heightens potential risk because elf statues are programmed to defend themselves. They can contain corrosive compressed acids and other toxic agents which could spell the E. N. D.

Many researchers agree that the best defense against elf statues is total motionlessness."