Sunday, July 20, 2014

"Is My Cat Happy?"

Cat owners love their pets, but often ask the question, "is my cat happy?" It can be very hard to tell.

This is because unlike most mammals, cats only experience two emotions. However, these emotions have no direct correlation to human emotion or anything we might traditionally term "happiness." According to experts, the cat emotional diad is a rapid binary fluctuation between the states of "urgency/warfare" and "sedintary malice."

Watching the electrical activity of the feline mind can be likened accurately to watching a primitive game of 'Space Invaders.'

Dr. Pipka Dobbins explains, "Cats experience the world as a grid of flashing pulses, which effectively enable and disable the cat's rage response." This is part of the reason scientists believe that if you were smaller than your cat, it would most likely playfully remove your arms and paw you to death.

"This is the special bond that cat lovers share with their pets -- a brutal kind of honesty that basically let's us know, 'Hey, if you ever lay still for too long, I'm eating off your face.' We appreciate this candor."

But, when asked directly, experts agree. Your cat most likely isn't happy.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Is My Exit Row Seat Dangerous?

Have you ever been drawn to "upgrade" to an exit row seat on an airplane? These seats are sometimes framed as being "premium" and closer to the front of the aircraft. Travelers hoping for a couple extra inches of leg room, or those dealing with bloating or obesity are the primary victims of the greedy airlines' exit row trap.

In reality, the exit row seats are unsafe for all passengers, and should be left clear no matter what kind of perks might otherwise be associated.

  • Air Pressure can cave in the doors of older aircraft. These are the situations you hear about where the metal buckles inward and crushes the legs of window seat passengers, making rescue impossible as they plummet to their fiery deaths.
  • Foreign Entities will usually target the exit row seat with missiles or other explosive projectiles before forcibly boarding an aircraft. You don't want to be the poor schmuck behind this flimsy barrier when the latest new terror cell comes knocking.
  • Honor and Duty dictate that when you sign for the exit row, you're signing up to up go down with the ship. Even the captain will be escaping before you, in the case of an event. This is why the flight attendant pummels you with legalese when you plant your butt in this row.
  • Airborne Bacterial Pockets can seep in through the cracks of the exit door mid-flight. If you land with a nasty cough that turns into something much worse, you'll need to consider whether you have been exposed to some sort of malevolent alien virus drifting atop the stratosphere.
You are already risking your life for the sake of convenience every time your board an airplane, but why would you pay extra to just to enjoy the unconscionable dangers of the exit row? Next time you're tempted by that little glowing "upgrade seat" button, try to see the words "destroy me painfully" instead.