Friday, September 5, 2014

Dealing With: Airport Homosexuals

If you've traveled in the years since 9/11, you've noticed a sharp increase in the number of homosexuals in North American airports.  It's no secret that the gay community loves air travel, but why the sudden swelling of homosexual passengers in terms of both number and audaciousness? Are America's airports still safe?

We might never be able to actually close our borders to the gays, but some practical considerations will allow us to treat this threat head-on, rather than as powerless bystanders.

- Layer your undergarments. This creates an extra wall of protection.

- Skip the hair products, which are now being used to send sexual innuendo signals between gay cliques (look for our upcoming article: 'What Does My Hairstyle Mean & How Can I Prevent It?'

- Shave close. Do whatever it takes to make your face look less like a ride.

- Switch to a flip phone while traveling. This signals that you are not currently active on Grindr, Scruff, Zoosk, Hornet, Bender, Mister, DaddyNow, Growlr, Manhunt, Guy Spy, Butz, Secret Pall, My Crevice,  or any of the other apps that might come to mind.

- Grow your toenails long, like a sloth.

- Ride the handicapped transport vehicles between gates to minimize your encounters. Do this especially when you might otherwise be walking past the SFO Terminal 2 men's restroom between the screening area and the wine bar, or other similar places where you might have experienced unwanted blowjobs in the past.

- Stay vigilant and keep your back turned toward walls when possible.

Once your bags are packed and you're ready to go, keep this checklist with you as a preventative measure. SAFE TRAVELS!