Monday, July 30, 2012

A Sordid History of Homosexuality in Games

When I say "video games" you're probably already picturing a couple of sweat-drenched young men, clothing shredded, sore bulging muscles aching with forbidden desire -- the kind of desire that can only truly be satisfied by rough, masculine hands, probing bro-kisses, and a lifetime of pent up homosexual love rage.

Unfortunately, you are not alone in that association. In a recent study, the Mann & Rammer Institute discovered that more than 83% of Americans think of homosexual themes when asked a series of neutral questions describing two deeply manly game heroes in situations wherein they must learn to trust and rely on each other even though they are naked, potently aroused, and covered in lubricant.

The study concludes that video games, with their frequent coy innuendos, and teasing side glances, are on a collision course with America that can only result in the total sexual conquest of a morally bankrupt generation.

Institute founder, Dick Rammer expounds, "We see this trend starting as early as Space Invaders and Pac-Man. These are titles that, at the very core, bathe the screen with something troublingly homoerotic."

It's not a coincidence that the original code for Q*Bert was discovered hand-written on the wall of an infamous Milwaukee truck stop lavatory. "In order to finish transcribing the code, you would have needed to literally press your face to the glory hole," says Rammer. And there's other more overt evidence that Q*Bert was coded while administering a blowjob.

"What rhymes with Pong," Rammer asks, pointing to his thong. But before we can answer, he is whisked into the sky on a giant glittering pink teacup.

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