Book Review: My Rat, Second Edition

I need to be honest and admit that I don't own a rat. So there is a chance I am not the intended audience for Gerd Ludwig's Second Edition of 'My Rat' which seems to focus largely on proper treatment of domesticated rats, and the diagnosis of their potential biological issues.

Bearing this in mind, I skipped the sections about rats and was ultimately left with an empty feeling. How much of this advice can I apply to my daily life? What will I be able to do with 40 lbs. of Oxbow Essentials Regal Rat Food? I'm personally unable to substantiate the claim that the "delicious, bite-sized, apple-flavored kibbles appeal to any adult rat."

Readers who do not own a rat may find My Rat, Second Edition to be of limited use.

Another foible of this particular edition is the omission of any mention of the Lord Jesus, but I understand that this might be simply due to an overly subtle approach to ministry.

Safety Rating: 8/10
Better Options: Dancing With Cats

Gay Tree Houses Threaten the Foundation of Traditional Heterosexual Tree Houses

The sad fact is -- nine out of fifty states have already approved legal unions for same-sex couples (in some cases even calling such unions "marriage"). America may be drifting toward accepting immoral behavior into our churches and nurseries, but are we also ready to give up our traditional, heterosexual tree houses?

A recent study documented tree houses built by persons who had engaged in immoral sex acts with the same gender, versus tree houses built within the protection of a loving, heterosexual marriage. The results of the study are shocking.

• Heterosexual tree houses' most commonly touted features were "the windows," "the way it sits up there," and "it has a bucket."
• Homosexual tree houses included amenities such as "wet bar," "Harman Kardon® sound system," "hot tub," and "sling."
• While heterosexual tree house owners are more likely to take a passive stance toward pest control, gay owners typically employed a combination of motion detection and lasers.
• When given a budget of $500, heterosexual first-time builders used the funds to buy scraps of wood, while homosexual builders allocated the money toward further fundraising, leveraging female impersonators and wet underwear contests.

What kind of tree house do you want for America's future?

Watch Your Fingers

Every five minutes, somewhere someone is breaking their fingers. This is not because they have been captured for torture, or because they are unnecessarily clumsy. It is because Nature wants to remove our fingers, and will eventually find a way to do so.

If we compare human fingers to those of chimpanzees, we learn that we are in the midst of a prolonged evolution away from fingers. However, the inventions of the industrial revolution and our recent reliance on "touchscreen" devices may slow or eliminate our progress toward a safer and more consolidated design, which scientists call the "single plank goal."

And we are learning the hard way. When we thwart the intentions of Nature, we pay with our fingers.

What Can I Do?

• Wear rubber mittens.
• Remove items from your house which contain right angles.
• Evaluate you daily usage and stop tempting fate. Are you using your fingers for activities which don't directly contribute to your wellbeing?
• Talk to your doctor about proactive removal.

Consider reading this useful guide on WebMD.

Never Again: Misty Buttness-Crusade

I will never trust my real estate investments to Misty Buttness-Crusade or any member of her unlicensed firm again.

Purchasing a house on Facebook should be as painless as a Super-Poke, not complicated and expensive. I'm left with many questions about my own cyber-security. Will I ever get my $50 back? Will my relatives trust me the next time I invite them to a housewarming at an address that doesn't even exist? Who is going to cover the cost of all my irate fax communications? Will I still receive a free particle board grandfather clock with the face of Celine Dion?

These and other doubts have ruined my love life and robbed me of my sleep. I can only warn others to ignore any and all advances from Misty Buttness-Crusade on Facebook.

Book Review: Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior, Volume 38

The Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior family of books has been my go-to resource for standards of morality since the first volume was published in 1997. There are a lot of ideas about what appropriateness is, and Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior has been the curator of the best-of-best -- the chart toppers.

"The knife goes on the left."

"You are wearing a woman's jacket."

This is bite-sized, reliable info that has made it to the top, burning itself into our minds through constant exposure. Over the years, Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior has been a reaffirming and succinct guide, proving that "right" and "correct" are not necessarily the same thing, and making sure readers will always be "right."

That's why I'm sad to say Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior 38 has abandoned this no-filler format in favor of a complex system of forking charts, cross-references, and interactive online supplements featuring videos in 14 different languages, some of which seem nothing like English. Based on factors such as religion, gender, age, and something being called "orientation," (which I believe has to do with one's relative location to the Earth's magnetic poles) Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior 38 is a convoluted and difficult to process maze of options.

Trying to look up something as simple as the correct response to the unexpected nudity of an elderly gym patron has become a nightmare of research and verification. I was not even able to successfully navigate the "Gradient of Multi-Stance Religions Smart Chart" without encountering options I did not understand, or which caused me a lot of frustration.

Certain pages contain holographic diagrams that change based on the reader's viewing angle, and other pages leave entire sections blank, as if we are meant to fill them in with our own thoughts.

Overall, I cannot recommend Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior 38. It might sometimes be interesting content to explore, but if you're in a hurry, it is probably best to stick with a prior volume.

Current Status of Obesity on Mars

1. A steam-powered rocket will take approximately fourteen years to reach Mars, during which time the average human will gain approximately 80 pounds of unremovable gangrenous fat tissue.
2. On Mars, extremely fat people will leap and soar through the sky, like flocks of giant birds, grasping sugary iced coffee beverages.
3. On Mars, carbohydrate-packed nutrition bars, canned goods soaked in corn syrup, and "Dippin' Dots" are the only available sources of food.
4. Sex is impossible on Mars, mostly due to issues linked to lowered self-esteem.

Scam Watch: The "Poetry Newsletter"

Have you started receiving a "Poetry Newsletter" through postal or electronic mail?

• There is no news about poetry.
• Poetry can be divided into one of two categories, both of which are dangerous.
• Poems encouraging an audience to perform certain political actions are statistically more likely to have an inverse effect.
• In a survey of 200 participants, poetry was the only art form which caused an immediate and uncontrolled rage response in more than 30% of the sample group.
• In 2011, over four hundred million known poems were written on the single topic of "silent grace," killing over eighty billion human brain cells.