Current Status of Obesity on Mars

1. A steam-powered rocket will take approximately fourteen years to reach Mars, during which time the average human will gain approximately 80 pounds of unremovable gangrenous fat tissue.
2. On Mars, extremely fat people will leap and soar through the sky, like flocks of giant birds, grasping sugary iced coffee beverages.
3. On Mars, carbohydrate-packed nutrition bars, canned goods soaked in corn syrup, and "Dippin' Dots" are the only available sources of food.
4. Sex is impossible on Mars, mostly due to issues linked to lowered self-esteem.