Dealing With: Airport Homosexuals

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"Is My Cat Happy?"

Cat owners love their pets, but often ask the question, "is my cat happy?" It can be very hard to tell.

This is because unlike most mammals, cats only experience two emotions. However, these emotions have no direct correlation to human emotion or anything we might traditionally term "happiness." According to experts, the cat emotional diad is a rapid binary fluctuation between the states of "urgency/warfare" and "sedintary malice."

Watching the electrical activity of the feline mind can be likened accurately to watching a primitive game of 'Space Invaders.'

Dr. Pipka Dobbins explains, "Cats experience the world as a grid of flashing pulses, which effectively enable and disable the cat's rage response." This is part of the reason scientists believe that if you were smaller than your cat, it would most likely playfully remove your arms and paw you to death.

"This is the special bond that cat lovers share with their pets -- a brutal kind of honesty that basically let's us know, 'Hey, if you ever lay still for too long, I'm eating off your face.' We appreciate this candor."

But, when asked directly, experts agree. Your cat most likely isn't happy.

Is My Exit Row Seat Dangerous?

Have you ever been drawn to "upgrade" to an exit row seat on an airplane? These seats are sometimes framed as being "premium" and closer to the front of the aircraft. Travelers hoping for a couple extra inches of leg room, or those dealing with bloating or obesity are the primary victims of the greedy airlines' exit row trap.

In reality, the exit row seats are unsafe for all passengers, and should be left clear no matter what kind of perks might otherwise be associated.

Why?

• Air Pressure can cave in the doors of older aircraft. These are the situations you hear about where the metal buckles inward and crushes the legs of window seat passengers, making rescue impossible as they plummet to their fiery deaths.
• Foreign Entities will usually target the exit row seat with missiles or other explosive projectiles before forcibly boarding an aircraft. You don't want to be the poor schmuck behind this flimsy barrier when the latest new terror cell comes knocking.
• Honor and Duty dictate that when you sign for the exit row, you're signing up to up go down with the ship. Even the captain will be escaping before you, in the case of an event. This is why the flight attendant pummels you with legalese when you plant your butt in this row.
• Airborne Bacterial Pockets can seep in through the cracks of the exit door mid-flight. If you land with a nasty cough that turns into something much worse, you'll need to consider whether you have been exposed to some sort of malevolent alien virus drifting atop the stratosphere.

You are already risking your life for the sake of convenience every time your board an airplane, but why would you pay extra to just to enjoy the unconscionable dangers of the exit row? Next time you're tempted by that little glowing "upgrade seat" button, try to see the words "destroy me painfully" instead.

Bee Respectful 1: Don't Flush Weapons

Official State Religion?

In a recent survey, the Huffington Post discovered that 34% of respondents would be either in favor or strongly in favor of making Christianity the official religion of their state. This undermines my ongoing efforts to make Christianity the state bird, or official state flower of Missouri and must be stopped.

MixiMobile's First "Real" Citybuilder Costs Players Billions

Social game "city-builders" like Zynga's popular Farmville, and Cityville are among a long-storied genre of games dating back to 2250 B.C. when Sargon the Great vanquished his foes to found the empire of Mesopotamia.

However, more recent entries into the genre rely on colorful digital representations of buildings and animals, placed around a fictional world in order to create the illusion of a booming metropolis, customized to players' taste. Many such games are funded by relatively inexpensive "in-app purchases," costing even players who choose to "monetize" only a couple of dollars during their entire time playing the game.

MixiMobile believes it has the answer to this. CTO, Flan Yazzer explains.

"We believe that fun comes from risk, and risk is something we are putting back into the equation for players. Our player wants a highly immersive experience."

To that end, MixiMobile has partnered with three major nationwide realtors and eight rental property managers to provide players real-world access to undeveloped land, raw materials, foreclosed homes, timeshares and waterfront views. Of course, all of this comes with a price tag.

"The first thing a player does when they open our game is remortgage their home. This provides an initial burst of PigiPoints with which they will buy a small plot of marshland paradise."

"Players will then clock in and begin working at one of our factories to earn additional PigiPoints for decorations, plants and eventually security systems to protect their treasures from real-world burglars. By the end of the tutorial, players will have adopted a cat and visibly aged."

The formula is working. "MixiTown" is boasts incredibly high player retention as participants begin to acquire household electronics and cement yard decorations.

"Some players even choose to make this a fashion-focused game, buying custom garments and maintaining expensive hairstyles in order to impress their friends."

No matter how you choose to play MixiTown one thing is clear, "There has never been a better time to buy beachfront property."

5 Exciting Management Concepts to Super-Charge Your Authority

• Potentialize - This super-functional combo term marries the words "potential" and "realize" or "to make real the potential." As a manager, you will be potentializing everything around you, so this is an indispensable word. Be sure to let others know when you feel you can "potentialize" their work.
• Undervise/Undervision - Nobody wants to be "supervised," but what would you say to your "undervisor?" Undervision is the concept that we can see more from below. Increasingly, we recognize that if there is a glass ceiling, there is also a glass floor. Are you the undervisor?
• Turbo-Target - The modern consumer is a fast-moving target, surrounded by distraction. If you want to capture attention nowadays, you will need to "turbo-target" your audience. Be sure to bring this up any time you feel something is anything less than perfect. Time to "turbo-target!"
• S.A.L.A.D. - The S.A.L.A.D. style of management is based around the classic structure, "Say And Listen And Do." If you are saying, listening, and doing, you are a S.A.L.A.D.
• Sticky Toes - What happens when a topic keeps coming up in your department? Perhaps it's another case of "sticky toes." Some workplaces send out a bi-weekly "Sticky Toe" memo, just to clear the air.

The Safe Distance Top Searches of 2012

After tabulating all my search engine traffic, I am happy to share the hottest Internet search terms which brought people to this resource-filled website in 2012!

1. Komodo Dragon Attack (48) *HOT TERM!*
2. Teen Love Doll (37)
3. Homosex (30)
4. Fingers (25)
5. Sperm Owl (2)

Thank you! I hope I can continue to bolster your research on these topics and more, in 2013!

Review: Windows 8 / SeaTac Airport Travelodge

Though I received a review copy of Windows 8 several months ago, I made a commitment to hold off on this write-up until my recent stay at the SeaTac Airport Travelodge.

And I'm glad I waited. Microsoft has been hard at work patching and refining their latest operating system, and the fruits of that labor created a perfect synergy with my accommodations at the budget-friendly motor lodge located less than five miles from the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, with in-room coffee maker, cable television, air conditioning, and a free shuttle departing for the airport every thirty minutes.

As I booted up my Sony 11.6 inch SVE11125CXW with Windows 8 for the first time, I was struck by the spaciousness of my room's round wooden table with honey-colored finish, located conveniently next to two working power outlets and within reach of the air conditioning unit's control panel. I adjusted the temperature to 68ºF, which is broadly considered to be the ideal indoor temperature.

"In today's world, it's good not to be racist, and nobody knows that better than Microsoft."

Next, it was time to choose a WiFi network. (WiFi is a new method computer terminals are using for zapping information out of the sky.) However, I was unable to determine which WiFi host to select, as there were twelve options. "FREEONLINE," "TRAVEL," "TRAVELL," "Sally Holden's Hotspot"... The list was extensive! In the end I chose "Jjtom-8wifi" but this network required a password so I gave up after a few guesses.

Microsoft then prompted me to create a "temporary account." I did this by entering my full name and the password "PASSWORD." This seemed to work, but before I was able to complete the setup process I heard several loud gunshots in rapid succession, followed by rage-filled screams!

Ducking beneath the spacious wooden table, I was dismayed to discover that there was not enough room for me to fit under the bed; the bed frame was too low to the ground! Perhaps I could crawl to the bathroom, where the understated beige tile walls would offer me greater protection? But there wasn't time.

My body tensed; eyes clenched as the window above shattered with a deafening crash. Shards of wet glass sprayed across the room like an ice storm on some terrifying alien planet. Then, silence. The smell of damp air and gun smoke. I wondered, "Will the new Windows 8 Quick Resume feature allow me to pick up my profile setup where I left off?" In a word, "yes!" I was able to complete my setup with plenty of time left over to transfer to a new room and get some serious shut-eye on clean, white linen sheets under a reasonably handsome jewel-toned floral pattern polyester bedspread.

It seems obvious to me that even when things go wrong, Windows 8 and the SeaTac Airport Travelodge have got a "plan B!"

Ratings

User Interface: 6/10
Sanitation: 8/10
Distance from Airport: 8/10
Gaming: 4/10
Denny's: 6/10

Overall: 7/10

Book Review: My Rat, Second Edition

I need to be honest and admit that I don't own a rat. So there is a chance I am not the intended audience for Gerd Ludwig's Second Edition of 'My Rat' which seems to focus largely on proper treatment of domesticated rats, and the diagnosis of their potential biological issues.

Bearing this in mind, I skipped the sections about rats and was ultimately left with an empty feeling. How much of this advice can I apply to my daily life? What will I be able to do with 40 lbs. of Oxbow Essentials Regal Rat Food? I'm personally unable to substantiate the claim that the "delicious, bite-sized, apple-flavored kibbles appeal to any adult rat."

Readers who do not own a rat may find My Rat, Second Edition to be of limited use.

Another foible of this particular edition is the omission of any mention of the Lord Jesus, but I understand that this might be simply due to an overly subtle approach to ministry.

Safety Rating: 8/10
Better Options: Dancing With Cats

Gay Tree Houses Threaten the Foundation of Traditional Heterosexual Tree Houses

The sad fact is -- nine out of fifty states have already approved legal unions for same-sex couples (in some cases even calling such unions "marriage"). America may be drifting toward accepting immoral behavior into our churches and nurseries, but are we also ready to give up our traditional, heterosexual tree houses?

A recent study documented tree houses built by persons who had engaged in immoral sex acts with the same gender, versus tree houses built within the protection of a loving, heterosexual marriage. The results of the study are shocking.

• Heterosexual tree houses' most commonly touted features were "the windows," "the way it sits up there," and "it has a bucket."
• Homosexual tree houses included amenities such as "wet bar," "Harman Kardon® sound system," "hot tub," and "sling."
• While heterosexual tree house owners are more likely to take a passive stance toward pest control, gay owners typically employed a combination of motion detection and lasers.
• When given a budget of $500, heterosexual first-time builders used the funds to buy scraps of wood, while homosexual builders allocated the money toward further fundraising, leveraging female impersonators and wet underwear contests.

What kind of tree house do you want for America's future?

Watch Your Fingers

Every five minutes, somewhere someone is breaking their fingers. This is not because they have been captured for torture, or because they are unnecessarily clumsy. It is because Nature wants to remove our fingers, and will eventually find a way to do so.

If we compare human fingers to those of chimpanzees, we learn that we are in the midst of a prolonged evolution away from fingers. However, the inventions of the industrial revolution and our recent reliance on "touchscreen" devices may slow or eliminate our progress toward a safer and more consolidated design, which scientists call the "single plank goal."

And we are learning the hard way. When we thwart the intentions of Nature, we pay with our fingers.

What Can I Do?

• Wear rubber mittens.
• Remove items from your house which contain right angles.
• Evaluate you daily usage and stop tempting fate. Are you using your fingers for activities which don't directly contribute to your wellbeing?
• Talk to your doctor about proactive removal.

Consider reading this useful guide on WebMD.

Never Again: Misty Buttness-Crusade

I will never trust my real estate investments to Misty Buttness-Crusade or any member of her unlicensed firm again.

Purchasing a house on Facebook should be as painless as a Super-Poke, not complicated and expensive. I'm left with many questions about my own cyber-security. Will I ever get my $50 back? Will my relatives trust me the next time I invite them to a housewarming at an address that doesn't even exist? Who is going to cover the cost of all my irate fax communications? Will I still receive a free particle board grandfather clock with the face of Celine Dion?

These and other doubts have ruined my love life and robbed me of my sleep. I can only warn others to ignore any and all advances from Misty Buttness-Crusade on Facebook.

Book Review: Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior, Volume 38

The Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior family of books has been my go-to resource for standards of morality since the first volume was published in 1997. There are a lot of ideas about what appropriateness is, and Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior has been the curator of the best-of-best -- the chart toppers.

"The knife goes on the left."

"You are wearing a woman's jacket."

This is bite-sized, reliable info that has made it to the top, burning itself into our minds through constant exposure. Over the years, Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior has been a reaffirming and succinct guide, proving that "right" and "correct" are not necessarily the same thing, and making sure readers will always be "right."

That's why I'm sad to say Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior 38 has abandoned this no-filler format in favor of a complex system of forking charts, cross-references, and interactive online supplements featuring videos in 14 different languages, some of which seem nothing like English. Based on factors such as religion, gender, age, and something being called "orientation," (which I believe has to do with one's relative location to the Earth's magnetic poles) Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior 38 is a convoluted and difficult to process maze of options.

Trying to look up something as simple as the correct response to the unexpected nudity of an elderly gym patron has become a nightmare of research and verification. I was not even able to successfully navigate the "Gradient of Multi-Stance Religions Smart Chart" without encountering options I did not understand, or which caused me a lot of frustration.

Certain pages contain holographic diagrams that change based on the reader's viewing angle, and other pages leave entire sections blank, as if we are meant to fill them in with our own thoughts.

Overall, I cannot recommend Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior 38. It might sometimes be interesting content to explore, but if you're in a hurry, it is probably best to stick with a prior volume.

Current Status of Obesity on Mars

1. A steam-powered rocket will take approximately fourteen years to reach Mars, during which time the average human will gain approximately 80 pounds of unremovable gangrenous fat tissue.
2. On Mars, extremely fat people will leap and soar through the sky, like flocks of giant birds, grasping sugary iced coffee beverages.
3. On Mars, carbohydrate-packed nutrition bars, canned goods soaked in corn syrup, and "Dippin' Dots" are the only available sources of food.
4. Sex is impossible on Mars, mostly due to issues linked to lowered self-esteem.

Scam Watch: The "Poetry Newsletter"

Have you started receiving a "Poetry Newsletter" through postal or electronic mail?

• There is no news about poetry.
• Poetry can be divided into one of two categories, both of which are dangerous.
• Poems encouraging an audience to perform certain political actions are statistically more likely to have an inverse effect.
• In a survey of 200 participants, poetry was the only art form which caused an immediate and uncontrolled rage response in more than 30% of the sample group.
• In 2011, over four hundred million known poems were written on the single topic of "silent grace," killing over eighty billion human brain cells.

A Sordid History of Homosexuality in Games

When I say "video games" you're probably already picturing a couple of sweat-drenched young men, clothing shredded, sore bulging muscles aching with forbidden desire -- the kind of desire that can only truly be satisfied by rough, masculine hands, probing bro-kisses, and a lifetime of pent up homosexual love rage.

Unfortunately, you are not alone in that association. In a recent study, the Mann & Rammer Institute discovered that more than 83% of Americans think of homosexual themes when asked a series of neutral questions describing two deeply manly game heroes in situations wherein they must learn to trust and rely on each other even though they are naked, potently aroused, and covered in lubricant.

The study concludes that video games, with their frequent coy innuendos, and teasing side glances, are on a collision course with America that can only result in the total sexual conquest of a morally bankrupt generation.

Institute founder, Dick Rammer expounds, "We see this trend starting as early as Space Invaders and Pac-Man. These are titles that, at the very core, bathe the screen with something troublingly homoerotic."

It's not a coincidence that the original code for Q*Bert was discovered hand-written on the wall of an infamous Milwaukee truck stop lavatory. "In order to finish transcribing the code, you would have needed to literally press your face to the glory hole," says Rammer. And there's other more overt evidence that Q*Bert was coded while administering a blowjob.

"What rhymes with Pong," Rammer asks, pointing to his thong. But before we can answer, he is whisked into the sky on a giant glittering pink teacup.

Could Prehistoric Ocean Beasts Be Destabilizing the World's Economy?

Are ancient ocean beasts,  dead for thousands of years, manipulating the financial market with the malevolent goal of plunging us into a "second dark age?"

Yes.

Is This Dangerous Lotion Ending Your Will To Live?

These Nine Popular Lotion Brands, which are already in your bathroom, are permanently altering your brain chemistry and destroying your love life.

Select the number (0 - 9, 0 being "almost never" and 9 being "when it happens") which corresponds to your feeling about the question, after you have answered it in your mind.

1. Do you feel "more stupid" after you moisturize? (0 - 9)
2. When was the last time you gave someone an "above average" kiss? (0 - 9)
3. Evaluate: "My lotion contains things I don't understand." (0 - 9)
4. If you live above the second floor, do you hear a thumping? (0 - 9)
5. Do you notice that you clear your throat when you don't really need to? (0 - 9)

If you scored a number between 11 and 16,  lotion may be destroying your life.

What Can I Do?

• Let your grocer know that lotion is confusing to you, and that you rarely have sex.
• Photograph any dry patches of skin and share these with your local law enforcement. The police keep a master list of lotions which cause the most distress.
• Write a short, catchy song to remind yourself about lotions which are damaging or ineffective.

Top 5 Threats to Safety in America

Unprovoked, Snakes Rise Up

This Hole

Without God, Our Children Age Backwards

We Can No Longer Control Our Environment

Nature's Relentless Dance Toward Homosexuality