- A steam-powered rocket will take approximately fourteen years to reach Mars, during which time the average human will gain approximately 80 pounds of unremovable gangrenous fat tissue.
- On Mars, extremely fat people will leap and soar through the sky, like flocks of giant birds, grasping sugary iced coffee beverages.
- On Mars, carbohydrate-packed nutrition bars, canned goods soaked in corn syrup, and "Dippin' Dots" are the only available sources of food.
- Sex is impossible on Mars, mostly due to issues linked to lowered self-esteem.
