Is This Dangerous Lotion Ending Your Will To Live?

These Nine Popular Lotion Brands, which are already in your bathroom, are permanently altering your brain chemistry and destroying your love life.

Select the number (0 - 9, 0 being "almost never" and 9 being "when it happens") which corresponds to your feeling about the question, after you have answered it in your mind.

1. Do you feel "more stupid" after you moisturize? (0 - 9)
2. When was the last time you gave someone an "above average" kiss? (0 - 9)
3. Evaluate: "My lotion contains things I don't understand." (0 - 9)
4. If you live above the second floor, do you hear a thumping? (0 - 9)
5. Do you notice that you clear your throat when you don't really need to? (0 - 9)

If you scored a number between 11 and 16,  lotion may be destroying your life.

What Can I Do?

• Let your grocer know that lotion is confusing to you, and that you rarely have sex.
• Photograph any dry patches of skin and share these with your local law enforcement. The police keep a master list of lotions which cause the most distress.
• Write a short, catchy song to remind yourself about lotions which are damaging or ineffective.

Youth-Enhancing Owl Sperm

• Owl sperm must remain refrigerated.
• Do not combine owl sperm with other emollients.
• Make sure the source of your owl sperm is reputable. Do they have an up-to-date NORFA license? Do they speak English?
• What are the conditions of the captive owl? Are the owls kept in small boxes for many days, under constant stimulation, with little sleep? Do not be afraid to ask questions.
• Do not accept dated or second-hand product.