Book Review: Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior, Volume 38

The Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior family of books has been my go-to resource for standards of morality since the first volume was published in 1997. There are a lot of ideas about what appropriateness is, and Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior has been the curator of the best-of-best -- the chart toppers.

"The knife goes on the left."

"You are wearing a woman's jacket."

This is bite-sized, reliable info that has made it to the top, burning itself into our minds through constant exposure. Over the years, Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior has been a reaffirming and succinct guide, proving that "right" and "correct" are not necessarily the same thing, and making sure readers will always be "right."

That's why I'm sad to say Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior 38 has abandoned this no-filler format in favor of a complex system of forking charts, cross-references, and interactive online supplements featuring videos in 14 different languages, some of which seem nothing like English. Based on factors such as religion, gender, age, and something being called "orientation," (which I believe has to do with one's relative location to the Earth's magnetic poles) Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior 38 is a convoluted and difficult to process maze of options.

Trying to look up something as simple as the correct response to the unexpected nudity of an elderly gym patron has become a nightmare of research and verification. I was not even able to successfully navigate the "Gradient of Multi-Stance Religions Smart Chart" without encountering options I did not understand, or which caused me a lot of frustration.

Certain pages contain holographic diagrams that change based on the reader's viewing angle, and other pages leave entire sections blank, as if we are meant to fill them in with our own thoughts.

Overall, I cannot recommend Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior 38. It might sometimes be interesting content to explore, but if you're in a hurry, it is probably best to stick with a prior volume.

Current Status of Obesity on Mars

1. A steam-powered rocket will take approximately fourteen years to reach Mars, during which time the average human will gain approximately 80 pounds of unremovable gangrenous fat tissue.
2. On Mars, extremely fat people will leap and soar through the sky, like flocks of giant birds, grasping sugary iced coffee beverages.
3. On Mars, carbohydrate-packed nutrition bars, canned goods soaked in corn syrup, and "Dippin' Dots" are the only available sources of food.
4. Sex is impossible on Mars, mostly due to issues linked to lowered self-esteem.

Scam Watch: The "Poetry Newsletter"

Have you started receiving a "Poetry Newsletter" through postal or electronic mail?

• There is no news about poetry.
• Poetry can be divided into one of two categories, both of which are dangerous.
• Poems encouraging an audience to perform certain political actions are statistically more likely to have an inverse effect.
• In a survey of 200 participants, poetry was the only art form which caused an immediate and uncontrolled rage response in more than 30% of the sample group.
• In 2011, over four hundred million known poems were written on the single topic of "silent grace," killing over eighty billion human brain cells.

A Sordid History of Homosexuality in Games

When I say "video games" you're probably already picturing a couple of sweat-drenched young men, clothing shredded, sore bulging muscles aching with forbidden desire -- the kind of desire that can only truly be satisfied by rough, masculine hands, probing bro-kisses, and a lifetime of pent up homosexual love rage.

Unfortunately, you are not alone in that association. In a recent study, the Mann & Rammer Institute discovered that more than 83% of Americans think of homosexual themes when asked a series of neutral questions describing two deeply manly game heroes in situations wherein they must learn to trust and rely on each other even though they are naked, potently aroused, and covered in lubricant.

The study concludes that video games, with their frequent coy innuendos, and teasing side glances, are on a collision course with America that can only result in the total sexual conquest of a morally bankrupt generation.

Institute founder, Dick Rammer expounds, "We see this trend starting as early as Space Invaders and Pac-Man. These are titles that, at the very core, bathe the screen with something troublingly homoerotic."

It's not a coincidence that the original code for Q*Bert was discovered hand-written on the wall of an infamous Milwaukee truck stop lavatory. "In order to finish transcribing the code, you would have needed to literally press your face to the glory hole," says Rammer. And there's other more overt evidence that Q*Bert was coded while administering a blowjob.

"What rhymes with Pong," Rammer asks, pointing to his thong. But before we can answer, he is whisked into the sky on a giant glittering pink teacup.

Could Prehistoric Ocean Beasts Be Destabilizing the World's Economy?

Are ancient ocean beasts,  dead for thousands of years, manipulating the financial market with the malevolent goal of plunging us into a "second dark age?"

Yes.

Is This Dangerous Lotion Ending Your Will To Live?

These Nine Popular Lotion Brands, which are already in your bathroom, are permanently altering your brain chemistry and destroying your love life.

Select the number (0 - 9, 0 being "almost never" and 9 being "when it happens") which corresponds to your feeling about the question, after you have answered it in your mind.

1. Do you feel "more stupid" after you moisturize? (0 - 9)
2. When was the last time you gave someone an "above average" kiss? (0 - 9)
3. Evaluate: "My lotion contains things I don't understand." (0 - 9)
4. If you live above the second floor, do you hear a thumping? (0 - 9)
5. Do you notice that you clear your throat when you don't really need to? (0 - 9)

If you scored a number between 11 and 16,  lotion may be destroying your life.

What Can I Do?

• Let your grocer know that lotion is confusing to you, and that you rarely have sex.
• Photograph any dry patches of skin and share these with your local law enforcement. The police keep a master list of lotions which cause the most distress.
• Write a short, catchy song to remind yourself about lotions which are damaging or ineffective.

Top 5 Threats to Safety in America

Unprovoked, Snakes Rise Up

This Hole

Without God, Our Children Age Backwards

We Can No Longer Control Our Environment

Nature's Relentless Dance Toward Homosexuality