The Safe Distance Top Searches of 2012

After tabulating all my search engine traffic, I am happy to share the hottest Internet search terms which brought people to this resource-filled website in 2012!

1. Komodo Dragon Attack (48) *HOT TERM!*
2. Teen Love Doll (37)
3. Homosex (30)
4. Fingers (25)
5. Sperm Owl (2)

Thank you! I hope I can continue to bolster your research on these topics and more, in 2013!

Review: Windows 8 / SeaTac Airport Travelodge

Though I received a review copy of Windows 8 several months ago, I made a commitment to hold off on this write-up until my recent stay at the SeaTac Airport Travelodge.

And I'm glad I waited. Microsoft has been hard at work patching and refining their latest operating system, and the fruits of that labor created a perfect synergy with my accommodations at the budget-friendly motor lodge located less than five miles from the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, with in-room coffee maker, cable television, air conditioning, and a free shuttle departing for the airport every thirty minutes.

As I booted up my Sony 11.6 inch SVE11125CXW with Windows 8 for the first time, I was struck by the spaciousness of my room's round wooden table with honey-colored finish, located conveniently next to two working power outlets and within reach of the air conditioning unit's control panel. I adjusted the temperature to 68ºF, which is broadly considered to be the ideal indoor temperature.

"In today's world, it's good not to be racist, and nobody knows that better than Microsoft."

Next, it was time to choose a WiFi network. (WiFi is a new method computer terminals are using for zapping information out of the sky.) However, I was unable to determine which WiFi host to select, as there were twelve options. "FREEONLINE," "TRAVEL," "TRAVELL," "Sally Holden's Hotspot"... The list was extensive! In the end I chose "Jjtom-8wifi" but this network required a password so I gave up after a few guesses.

Microsoft then prompted me to create a "temporary account." I did this by entering my full name and the password "PASSWORD." This seemed to work, but before I was able to complete the setup process I heard several loud gunshots in rapid succession, followed by rage-filled screams!

Ducking beneath the spacious wooden table, I was dismayed to discover that there was not enough room for me to fit under the bed; the bed frame was too low to the ground! Perhaps I could crawl to the bathroom, where the understated beige tile walls would offer me greater protection? But there wasn't time.

My body tensed; eyes clenched as the window above shattered with a deafening crash. Shards of wet glass sprayed across the room like an ice storm on some terrifying alien planet. Then, silence. The smell of damp air and gun smoke. I wondered, "Will the new Windows 8 Quick Resume feature allow me to pick up my profile setup where I left off?" In a word, "yes!" I was able to complete my setup with plenty of time left over to transfer to a new room and get some serious shut-eye on clean, white linen sheets under a reasonably handsome jewel-toned floral pattern polyester bedspread.

It seems obvious to me that even when things go wrong, Windows 8 and the SeaTac Airport Travelodge have got a "plan B!"

Ratings

User Interface: 6/10
Sanitation: 8/10
Distance from Airport: 8/10
Gaming: 4/10
Denny's: 6/10

Overall: 7/10

Book Review: My Rat, Second Edition

I need to be honest and admit that I don't own a rat. So there is a chance I am not the intended audience for Gerd Ludwig's Second Edition of 'My Rat' which seems to focus largely on proper treatment of domesticated rats, and the diagnosis of their potential biological issues.

Bearing this in mind, I skipped the sections about rats and was ultimately left with an empty feeling. How much of this advice can I apply to my daily life? What will I be able to do with 40 lbs. of Oxbow Essentials Regal Rat Food? I'm personally unable to substantiate the claim that the "delicious, bite-sized, apple-flavored kibbles appeal to any adult rat."

Readers who do not own a rat may find My Rat, Second Edition to be of limited use.

Another foible of this particular edition is the omission of any mention of the Lord Jesus, but I understand that this might be simply due to an overly subtle approach to ministry.

Safety Rating: 8/10
Better Options: Dancing With Cats

Gay Tree Houses Threaten the Foundation of Traditional Heterosexual Tree Houses

The sad fact is -- nine out of fifty states have already approved legal unions for same-sex couples (in some cases even calling such unions "marriage"). America may be drifting toward accepting immoral behavior into our churches and nurseries, but are we also ready to give up our traditional, heterosexual tree houses?

A recent study documented tree houses built by persons who had engaged in immoral sex acts with the same gender, versus tree houses built within the protection of a loving, heterosexual marriage. The results of the study are shocking.

• Heterosexual tree houses' most commonly touted features were "the windows," "the way it sits up there," and "it has a bucket."
• Homosexual tree houses included amenities such as "wet bar," "Harman Kardon® sound system," "hot tub," and "sling."
• While heterosexual tree house owners are more likely to take a passive stance toward pest control, gay owners typically employed a combination of motion detection and lasers.
• When given a budget of $500, heterosexual first-time builders used the funds to buy scraps of wood, while homosexual builders allocated the money toward further fundraising, leveraging female impersonators and wet underwear contests.

What kind of tree house do you want for America's future?

Watch Your Fingers

Every five minutes, somewhere someone is breaking their fingers. This is not because they have been captured for torture, or because they are unnecessarily clumsy. It is because Nature wants to remove our fingers, and will eventually find a way to do so.

If we compare human fingers to those of chimpanzees, we learn that we are in the midst of a prolonged evolution away from fingers. However, the inventions of the industrial revolution and our recent reliance on "touchscreen" devices may slow or eliminate our progress toward a safer and more consolidated design, which scientists call the "single plank goal."

And we are learning the hard way. When we thwart the intentions of Nature, we pay with our fingers.

What Can I Do?

• Wear rubber mittens.
• Remove items from your house which contain right angles.
• Evaluate you daily usage and stop tempting fate. Are you using your fingers for activities which don't directly contribute to your wellbeing?
• Talk to your doctor about proactive removal.

Consider reading this useful guide on WebMD.

Never Again: Misty Buttness-Crusade

I will never trust my real estate investments to Misty Buttness-Crusade or any member of her unlicensed firm again.

Purchasing a house on Facebook should be as painless as a Super-Poke, not complicated and expensive. I'm left with many questions about my own cyber-security. Will I ever get my $50 back? Will my relatives trust me the next time I invite them to a housewarming at an address that doesn't even exist? Who is going to cover the cost of all my irate fax communications? Will I still receive a free particle board grandfather clock with the face of Celine Dion?

These and other doubts have ruined my love life and robbed me of my sleep. I can only warn others to ignore any and all advances from Misty Buttness-Crusade on Facebook.

Book Review: Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior, Volume 38

The Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior family of books has been my go-to resource for standards of morality since the first volume was published in 1997. There are a lot of ideas about what appropriateness is, and Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior has been the curator of the best-of-best -- the chart toppers.

"The knife goes on the left."

"You are wearing a woman's jacket."

This is bite-sized, reliable info that has made it to the top, burning itself into our minds through constant exposure. Over the years, Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior has been a reaffirming and succinct guide, proving that "right" and "correct" are not necessarily the same thing, and making sure readers will always be "right."

That's why I'm sad to say Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior 38 has abandoned this no-filler format in favor of a complex system of forking charts, cross-references, and interactive online supplements featuring videos in 14 different languages, some of which seem nothing like English. Based on factors such as religion, gender, age, and something being called "orientation," (which I believe has to do with one's relative location to the Earth's magnetic poles) Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior 38 is a convoluted and difficult to process maze of options.

Trying to look up something as simple as the correct response to the unexpected nudity of an elderly gym patron has become a nightmare of research and verification. I was not even able to successfully navigate the "Gradient of Multi-Stance Religions Smart Chart" without encountering options I did not understand, or which caused me a lot of frustration.

Certain pages contain holographic diagrams that change based on the reader's viewing angle, and other pages leave entire sections blank, as if we are meant to fill them in with our own thoughts.

Overall, I cannot recommend Now THAT'S What I Call Appropriate Behavior 38. It might sometimes be interesting content to explore, but if you're in a hurry, it is probably best to stick with a prior volume.